Refreshingly Human Blog

What does coming out mean to you? S4 E3

What is your sadness telling you?

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I really avoided writing this episode for you guys, until the very last minute. I am like a type A A A person, I have my podcasts written, recorded and edited way in advance, usually. But this one, I put off until the last possible moment. Why? Simply because, sadness is an emotion that I struggle with the most, sadness makes me really uncomfortable, it is an emotion I do not like to live beside. But it is an important one. I mean, honestly, all of out emotions are important.

Let me start by telling you a little bit about why sadness makes me so uncomfortable. As a person that suffered and still partly lives with anxiety and depression, it is hard for me to separate the feeling of sadness from the lingering feeling of depression. For a long, long period of my life, I would cry myself to sleep at night. Like honestly guys sometimes I feel like I’ve cried myself dry in my early life. Let’s paint the picture for you, there was a time in my life that I felt so incredibly lonely, and I felt unloved, however, I was loved. IT was not love that I was yearning, it was acceptance. But either way, I was feeling so incredibly lonely at one point in my life, have you ever felt like, even though you were surrounded by people, you were still so lonely? The loneliness had crippled me, to a point of crippling sadness and a life time of lingering depression. Now, as we mentioned in the Episode ‘Feel the feels with Jimmy Petruzi’ there is a distinct difference between sadness and depression. And I know this, but as a person that lives with depression, sadness makes me uncomfortable. I’m not sure if that makes any sense to you guys?

Well, I am here to talk about sadness in my life and share a story about how feeling sad got me through something or the other. And, this was one I had to search my brain for, because I have a strange relationship with sadness. Sadness is the one emotion I try to avoid, or I don’t feel very well.

This year has been incredibly stressful for so many of us, and it is the most recent example of me feeling sad. I often tell you guys stories about my past, because I have a very thick backstory. However, right now, we have so much going on right? We have a world wide pandemic, and this is the year that I had to renew my visa in the UK (just my luck), it’s also the year that my hub and I tried to buy a house, that ended up in disappointed, it’s the year I almost got promoted at work, but then work made an error that they could not offer me the position, and it’s the year I did not get to go and see my family due to the pandemic and my visa taking a bloody long time to process. I feel like every part of my body wants to scream out in so much of frustration, but beneath all that frustration and anger, lingers sadness. And I know this is sadness, because, this whole year, I feel like I’ve been waiting for something good to happen, waiting for good news, but the good news, it never came. Instead, I was dealt one disappointment over the other. I was doing all the work and everything that I could within my power only to be met with disappointment. The sadness lingered. I knew this when, every time I got a disappointment, I felt like I wanted to cry. One night, my coach asked me to take a deep breath, and I did, and it released some tears.

So yes, I am currently going through the sadness right now, who out there is with me? Tears of frustration for this crappy year right. As a really, really difficult emotion for me to deal with, I do have some strategies for this. There was a day I allowed myself to just stay in bed all day and eat ice cream in bed. There was a day I just took a Hannah day to do all things for myself that make Hannah feel better, that long walk, a hot bath a loooong meditation.

In light of this season, of feeling all our feels, learning what they mean and learning to sit with them. I’m going to try, right here in this episode, to reflect with you on what my sadness is trying to tell me this year. SO, right now sadness and I are going to have a conversation, uh hum….

Sadness: ‘Look at me Hannah, look at me! Why are you ignoring me?’

H: I’m looking, I’m looking.

S: Why are you ignoring me?

H: I’m just trying to make this year work and you getting in the way

S: I am not! I am not getting in the way… Listen to me

H: Fine, what do you want?

S: I want you to let go, take a deep breath and let go of everything you think you are waiting for

H: okay, deep breath.

S: Now, how do you feel?

H: I’m not sure….

S: Try again

H: deep breath

S: how do you feel

H: I feel, relief?

S: Yes, relief, that’s what I’m trying to tell you!

H: I don’t get it.

S: You are fighting me all this time, all I’ve been trying to tell you was to give in to the disappointment this year has been. Don’t fight it. Good news might come, but you are waiting for it and you are disappointing yourself and you are ignoring me this whole time. Just let go…

Okay, I am done talking to myself on this podcast like a crazy person, but wow! Guys, that was seriously helpful. That short conversation with my sadness actually made me realise so much what I’ve been fighting and avoiding this whole time and I truly do feel relieved and lighter. Phew.

This whole season, I’ve been telling you to have a conversation with your emotions, and now, I did it live for you here on my podcast. Have you ever tried this? Let me know if you have.

I want to give a little shoutout to my regular listeners, I see you there in the numbers every month, I know who some of you are, but there are a lot of you I have not met. Drop me a message on social media to introduce yourself, I would love to know who you are and have a conversation with you. Thank you all so much for your ongoing support, you keep me motivated to keep doing this for you.

Next week, we will be sharing some amazing stories about love! Is it an emotion? How does it feel? What role does it play? Find out next Monday.

About Me

Hi, I’m Hannah. I have spent a large part of my life living amongst a wide range of culture. I was married into a Pakistani family, I grew up in a South African Indian family, I lived in Istanbul, Turkey for two years and now I am married into a British family and living in the UK. Having not just travelled, but immersing myself in other cultures, I have learned that we are all a lot more similar than we realise. Which is why I started this podcast for you. I want us all to open our eyes to how similar we all are while appreciation the things that make us unique.

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